you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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