I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
