Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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