Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
