Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
