so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
