I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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