This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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