tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
