i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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