He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
