I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
