I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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