I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
