the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
