the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
