Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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