Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
