So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Why is there bacon in the couch?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
