My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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