I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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