im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
