He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize