Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
