We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
