Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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