I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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