I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
