you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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