then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
