im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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