uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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