I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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