seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
