My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Sober January is a disaster.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
im on a boat
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