Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
