im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He has the fingertips of a God
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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