She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
