I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
