I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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