He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
