were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
