my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
