Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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