my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
