I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
