I'm sorry my penis didn't work
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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