I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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