Me. At least after what I've been through.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
false alarm. still invincible.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
