then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
