the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
