I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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