Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
