ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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