singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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