They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
