Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I would fuck him just for his dog
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
