I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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