So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize