i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize