Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
