I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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