I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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