wat bout pragnant strippers??
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
